The Inn
by Seth Connelly
Summary: The Fellowship decide to stay at a small inn, and due to the efforts of Ruby the Hobbit and Talis the Elf, they must try to survive the night and the aftermath of the following day.
1. Default Chapter

The Inn  
  
The eleven travelers entered the local inn. A strange group they were, the members consisting of two Elves by the names of Legolas and Talis, five hobbits by the names of Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, and Ruby, two Men: one who was the heir of Isildur but chose exile and now has way too many names, his most common one being Strider the Ranger to any stranger, Aragorn to his friends, and the other from the distant lands of Gondor, Boromir. Although it was not safe for them to sleep in town for fear that they would be found by Saruman's forces, Ruby insisted that they stay in a nice, warm inn instead of the cold, hard, wet ground. She threatened to pound Frodo's face in if he did not agree, and kidding she was not, he was forced to give in.  
  
With that decision out of the way, their next hurtle was to figure out the room arrangements. The inn was small, but an accommodating size for the town it was in, for it was small as well. It only had four rooms of a relatively large size, enough for three or four people, but no more. In each room were two medium-sized beds that could fit two people, and perhaps three hobbits. Two of these rooms were currently in use, leaving only two to remain for the group. Though there was room to fit several people in the two being used, the company decided that it was best for them to divide themselves among the available rooms, only because they did not want their true intentions for their trip to Mordor to be revealed to any outsiders.  
  
"We could split up the males and females?" Pippin suggested.  
  
"I doubt that all nine of you will be very comfortable in one room designed for only five people," said Talis.  
  
"So are you saying that some of us guys will have to sleep in the same room as you and Ruby?" Merry inquired, amused at the thought of having to share sleeping quarters with two females.  
  
Aragorn, unable to come up with any better idea, nodded. "It appears as though we have no other choice."  
  
Ruby rolled her eyes. "You make it sound like the end of the world! It's merely sleeping within a six foot radius of people of the opposite gender! It's not like we plan to"--she was interrupted by a cry from the other four hobbits.  
  
"BAD IMAGES!"  
  
Talis looked down at Ruby, who in turn looked back up at her. "Men," they both said in annoyance, and Ruby rolled her eyes again.  
  
And so, after about fifteen minutes of discussion, the sleeping arrangements were planned as this: Ruby, Talis, Boromir, and Legolas were to sleep in one room, while Aragorn and the other hobbits slept in the other. Despite the fact that there were five people in a four-person room, the four hobbits did not take up much space and could fit two in one bed, leaving plenty of room for Aragorn. Sam had caught a cold, thanks to an early morning shower that day, so he would have the "privilege" of having to sleep on the floor, so no one else could catch his cold. Merry and Pippin would share one bed, while Frodo shared one with Aragorn. And must I, the narrator, take more of my precious time to explain the arrangements of the other room? Of course not! You, the reader, should be smart enough to realize that I wouldn't dare make Talis and Legolas sleep in the same bed, or Ruby and Boromir for that matter.  
  
It was not until 1:00 A.M. when the company were in their beds. Once Ruby was assured that Boromir and Legolas were fast asleep, she poked Talis.  
  
"Mm?" Talis yawned and looked at Ruby.  
  
"You know when we first came into this town, and I suggested we should stop and buy some new clothes because the ones we have now are all dirty and yucky and the colors just don't work and, let's face it, we're all fashion disasters??"  
  
It took Talis a moment or two to fully take in Ruby's question. "Uhm, yes."  
  
"And do you remember what Aragorn said?"  
  
"No, I was not paying much attention."  
  
"Oh, that's right. You were too busy staring at Legolas," Ruby did her trademark eye roll, and then received a firm whack on the head. Rubbing the sore spot, Ruby continued, "Aragorn told me not to be foolish. Can you believe him?!"  
  
"Yes." This time Talis got whacked.  
  
"Anyway, my point is, we should sneak into Aragorn's room and give him a makeover in his sleep!"  
  
Talis cupped her hand over her mouth to keep from bursting out in laughter. "Please tell me you are kidding! Aragorn is a light sleeper, and even if we managed to pull it off, he would know who did it because we are the only ones who carry makeup!" she paused for a moment, and then added, "But that certainly would be an amusing sight, and it would be worth suffering his wrath afterwards."  
  
Ruby quietly got out of bed and went over to her pack. She pulled out a large, pink box filled with every lip stick color she has ever owned, along with all the other makeup items she was able to stuff in. She looked towards the door, and slowly and quietly crept toward it in hobbit fashion. She was within three steps of the exit, when she tripped over Boromir's shield which had been carelessly laid in the middle of the floor. She landed with a loud crash and a gong-like sound that filled the room.  
  
Legolas sprang up with a loud cry. "YRCH!" He then fell over and resumed snoring. Boromir merely rolled over and put his pillow over his head.  
  
"And I thought you elves were light sleepers," Ruby smirked.  
  
"And I thought hobbits could move quickly and quietly without so much racket," Talis retorted.  
  
"Inferior Elf."  
  
"Hobbit slave."  
  
"Loser."  
  
"Idiot."  
  
"Jerk."  
  
"Moron."  
  
"Lego-Lover."  
  
And this argument continued well into the night, until finally they remembered what it was they were trying to accomplish. With Talis leading they way this time, they were able to creep out of their room and into the dark hallway with no disturbance.  
  
"Do you hear something?" asked Ruby.  
  
"Yes. It sounds like footsteps," replied Talis. Down the hallway, two short figures could be seen, each moving in circles together, as though they were dancing. As Ruby and Talis moved closer, they could see the two figures were none other than Merry and Pippin. Both were either blissfully drunk, or sleep walking.  
  
The elf and hobbit stared blankly for a minute, and then Ruby broke the silence. "They're waltzing, aren't they?"  
  
"Yes. I believe they are."  
  
"This will definitely make great blackmail material." And Talis nodded in agreement.  
  
In due course, they made their way to Aragorn and the hobbit's room. They found Aragorn flopped on his bed, Frodo sleeping on the other side of him. Silently, Ruby set her box down on the floor and rummaged through it. "What color lipstick do you think will look best on him?"  
  
Talis did not wear makeup and had not the slightest clue what color would look best on Aragorn. "The icy blue may bring out his eyes," she said, pointing.  
  
"That's eye shadow, dingbat. But we can use that. I think the sugar pink lipstick would suit him just fine," Ruby giggled and handed the eye shadow to Talis. They carried on with the makeover for about an hour, and to complement it, they gave Aragorn a manicure with sparkly, smelly glitter and the whole works.  
  
The two of them stepped back to observe their masterpiece. But, there was something missing. Turning to look at each other, both said, "His hair." And then proceeded with putting neon green streaks through his long, black hair. How Aragorn was able to sleep through all of this still puzzle Ruby and Talis to this day.  
  
As they finished, Ruby had another notion. "We have been very lucky so far. Why stop now? Let's get Frodo, too!" 


	2. They're Screwed

Chapter 2  
  
Disclaimer (which I stupidly forgot earlier, but here it is now): I own nothing of J.R.R. Tolkien's work, so please don't sue me for having a bit of fun. Talis and Ruby are owned by myself and a friend, so don't steal them `cause it'll hurt our feelings. We're sensitive people.  
  
Author's notes: This chapter is a bit shorter than the last. I kind of ran out of stuff to put in, and I came to a good ending point for it. No worries! I plan to get started on chapter three right away! *ducks a thrown chair*  
  
Talis frowned. "Ruby, do you think it would be wise to do such a thing to the Ring-bearer? After all, he is certainly making an extraordinary effort to try and save Middle-earth from total destruction!"  
  
The hobbit stared blankly for a moment, and then shrugged her shoulders. "Frodo's a wuss," was her response.  
  
Before Talis was able to make a retaliation, there was a sound of a fist tapping on the door that nearly caused the both of them to jump out of their skins, release all contents of their bladders, and piddle all over the floor. Their first thought was that Legolas really had woken up and was coming in to see what they were doing, in spite of the fact that it could not be true, for Ruby had caused the commotion with her "graceful" fall over an hour earlier. Acting quickly, they hurried over and slowly pulled the door open, Ruby forcing out a tired yawn and Talis stretching, as though they had just woken up.  
  
Dressed in his long, white nightshirt stood the inn keeper, Harold. He shakily held a candle in his old, wrinkled hand. A drop of wax hit the floor with a "splat" as he lifted the candle to see the girls better. Being as tired as he was, he did not ask what they were doing in that room, for he was present during the company's discussion and he knew where each person was sleeping. But enough of him. Let us move on.  
  
"A man is here to see Mr. Baggins?" he said, almost asking it, and almost stating it.  
  
"A, uh, Mr. Baggins, you say?" Ruby asked, playing dumb.  
  
Harold nodded. "The younger hobbit, ah, Pippin, was it? Was babbling on and on about his best friend, Frodo Baggins. But now that I think of it, he seemed to be pretty loaded. Three too many pints, I think. And the man who is here to see him is very queer, indeed. Dressed in all black, and had a screeching voice."  
  
"Nazgûl," Talis muttered.  
  
"Nope. No Baggins here! Tell the guy that he may need to check the town twenty leagues back. Good night!" And with that, Ruby closed the door and latched it shut.  
  
"Naz-wha??" Harold cried before the door closed on his nose. Shortly after, the sound of nine pounding horse hooves could be heard thumping up the road and out the town's main gates.  
  
Ruby let out a sigh of relief. "That was close."  
  
"I did not think the Nazgûl were empty-headed enough to fall for that one," Talis blinked. "Why, I've made a pun!"  
  
Ruby smacked her forehead and stomped on Talis' foot for the last stupid remark. "Does it matter? At least we still have Frodo so we can make him prettyful!"  
  
The Elf decided to simply give in to Ruby's evil plot, only because she would be bothered about it until the end of her days, and a lot of energy was to be spent on shutting the hobbit's ever-moving, ever-annoying mouth.  
  
Folding her arms, Ruby stared up at the ceiling with a thoughtful look on her face. She was obviously continuing to plot some horrendous fate for Frodo. Talis sighed and while waiting, admired the makeup masterpiece that Aragorn would soon discover, for dawn was fast approaching. Suddely, out of the blue, Frodo stood on the bed. His eyes were half-closed and it seemed as though he was still sleeping... and he was. Scratching his middle, he started to sing:  
  
"Eeeeverybody was Kung-Fu fighting! HA!"   
  
And so on.  
  
After completed his that little diddy, he abruptly fell over and went back to his sleeping. Talis and Ruby nervously looked at each of the sleeping guys, only to find that Merry and Pippin were conked out for the rest of the night and probably half of the next day, Sam's ears were stuffed due to his cold, and Aragorn still did not stir.  
  
"This is very odd. I cannot believe Aragorn can sleep through all of this! I bet he could sleep through a hurricane!" Talis said.  
  
"I've got it!" Ruby exclaimed.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I think we should"--Talis interrupted.  
  
"Go to bed?"  
  
"No! Pour honey all over him, send him outside in his underpants, and watch him get eaten by Wargs!"  
  
Talis sighed. "That is a bit extreme, don't you think?"  
  
Ruby pretended to think for a second. "No."  
  
"Then you are on your own, for I refuse to do such a horrible thing to Master Frodo!"  
  
"'Master Frodo'," Ruby snickered. "Well, you gave the exiled King of Gondor a makeover!"  
  
"Only because--SO?!"  
  
"Fine. Go to bed. Wimp."  
  
"What was that last part?"  
  
"WIMP."  
  
"I am no wimp!"  
  
"Really? Prove it."  
  
And Talis did. She beat the living daylights out of Ruby, then dragged the unconscious hobbit back into their room where she gently laid her on the bed. "I wonder if I went too far," she murmured. "...Nah."  
  
She didn't even realize that Legolas was wide awake. "Good morning, Talis." He sat up and got out of bed.  
  
Talis threw the covers over Ruby, concealing her. "'Morning, Legolas!" she let out a nervous laugh.  
  
"You are up early."  
  
"I was, uh, straightening up the room!" she knelt down and leaned Boromir's shield against the wall.  
  
"So I see," Legolas noticed the bags under Talis' eyes. "And that would explain why you and Ruby were sneaking around last night?"  
  
"Uhm." And at that moment, Boromir stood up, yawning. He then blurted out.  
  
"I AM THE PANSTLESS WONDER!"  
  
There was a long pause. Legolas and Talis just stood, staring at one another. Never had they heard Boromir of Gondor say such nonsense.  
  
But it was, of course, only another case of sleepwalking. And yes, I have made every member of The Fellowship sleepwalk, only to make the story more interesting. Hee.  
  
Legolas poked Boromir until he was fully awake. He did not have to, for moments after Boromir opened his eyes, a hellish scream shook the entire inn. And perhaps the entire town. In fact, Elrond and the other Elves in Rivendell could hear the faintest hint of it.  
  
It was none other than Aragorn who was responsible for the scream. 


	3. Crime and Punishment

Chapter 3: Crime and Punishment  
  
Disclaimer: Same as always. I own nothing except for Talis, you know the drill.  
  
Author's notes: Much more random insanity in this chapter, along with tons of OOCness. XD I'm having way too much fun with this..  
  
Talis' lower lip started trembling. Perhaps beating the snot out of Ruby was not the greatest idea, for now she would have to face the full force of Aragorn's wrath alone. Legolas noticed her uneasiness, but before he could hear the tale, the door was smashed from its rusty hinges and slammed onto the floor, thus awakening the members of the group who had not yet been roused from their sleep (amazingly.)  
  
There, standing in the doorway, was the dark figure of Aragorn. He looked as though he was ready to model some brand-spanking new dress straight from Rohan's biggest fashion designers, only the dress was replaced by tightie-whities and a T-shirt. "I wonder if Ruby and I could be professional beauticians?" Talis thought to herself, holding back her grin. What was left of the door hinges started creaking as a cold breeze swept the room, and a flash of lightening marked the beginning of a storm. For the second time in the past twelve hours, Talis felt as though she could jump out of her skin, empty all contents of her bladder, and piddle all over the floor. (Insert the classic "Bum, bum, BUUUM!")  
  
"Good morning, Aragorn!" said Boromir brightly. Not only was he clueless, but he was also uncharacteristically perky in the morning, with or without coffee.  
  
Aragorn's chest was heaving in and out. His cold, blue eyes were fixed on Talis, and she could see a hint of fire in them. Gimli, sensing this, and being the pyro-maniac he was, cried: "FLAAAME!"  
  
Aragorn was, of course, ignoring the last two idiotic comments. Thoughts of violence and torment, as well as 24 hours straight of Pee Wee's Playhouse while being tied to a chair, raced through his troubled mind.  
  
Legolas broke the chilling silence. "In the name of squishy toilet paper, what the fook is going on here?!"  
  
The first thing that popped into Talis' head was to confess her crime, but all that came out of her mouth was: "It was Ruby's idea!"  
  
Aragorn's eyes trailed to the unconscious hobbit lying on the bed. The fire intensified. Seeing that he couldn't attack an unconscious victim, he reoriented on Talis and sprang at her.  
  
The Elf was ready for this mode of attack and grabbed Boromir's shield, causing a severe blow to Aragorn's skull as he collided with the thick sheet of metal in mid-air.  
  
"That wasn't very nice!" Boromir said with a small pout as he grabbed his shield from Talis.  
  
Aragorn quickly recovered from the hit and stood up, angrier than ever. Legolas stepped in between the two of them and spread his hands as a sign of peace. "Aragorn, please! Calm yourself!" And by this time, the four hobbits were standing in the doorway to observe the fight.  
  
The exiled king's right eye started to twitch as he glared at Legolas. Finally, he spoke. "You smell like burning tires. Now, get out of my way!" He shoved the skinny, yet adorably handsome, not to mention sexy—(and the author gets pelted with rotten fruit for her ramblings)—aside and stomped toward Talis.  
  
In a pathetic attempt to save herself, she started wailing. Her plan was that Aragorn would come to his senses at seeing a lady cry, but to her misfortune, he wasn't phased at all. Just as he was about to throttle her neck, Legolas jumped onto his back, a dagger held to his neck. "I asked you nicely the first time, but you forced me to get violent," he said through clenched teeth. "You will have to defeat me before you lay a hand on the arthion¹."  
  
Aragorn froze, though he knew that Legolas wouldn't hurt him, he also knew that any sudden movement would slice his jugular vein. And that would not be a pretty sight.  
  
Talis had ceased wailing and Aragorn calmed down. The Elf hopped off his back and sheathed his dagger. "Will someone please explain what has been going on here?" he demanded.  
  
And Talis told her tale, being sure not to leave out any details. As she finished, Aragorn sighed and said, "You are forgiven. But do not think for one moment that your deed will be left forgotten, because I will be sure you and Ruby pay full amends for what has been done." The hobbits snickered. Aragorn turned to them, "Shuttup. All of us have excellent blackmail material to use against all of you. Although, Samwise, you may be safe. For now."  
  
"Lies! All LIES!" cried Pippin. "D'you really believe the bull poop that the Elf claims to be true?!"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Aww! Horse shit!" all of the hobbits, except for Sam, shouted. This attracted a small crowd of the inn's guests to crowd around the doorway and watch.  
  
Talis lowered her head. Boromir put his hand on her shoulder and said, "Would it help if I made some waffles?" She looked up at him and blinked, then shrugged. Boromir decided to interpret that as a "yes."  
  
"There will be no time for breakfast here. We must make haste," Aragorn paused. "And I refuse to leave this inn until I look relatively normal. Can it be done?"  
  
"Only Ruby would know," Talis replied.  
  
"All right. Start packing, but we will not leave until she recovers."  
  
And so, some boring packing and other activities occurred, until finally Ruby woke up. She sat up and instantaneously blurted, "I SEE THE LIGHT!" she winced, "It buuurns!"  
  
At the sound of "burns" Gimli cried out, "FLAAAME!"  
  
Since the morning had worn on, Boromir had lost his perkiness, and was starting to fear for both Gimli and Ruby's sanity.  
  
"Exactly, HOW hard did you hit her in the head, Talis?" Legolas arched a brow.  
  
"Uhm, not that hard."  
  
"Liar."  
  
Ruby hopped out of bed and skipped over to Frodo. She clasped her hands in front of her and tilted her head to the side, a contemplative look upon her face. "In all seriousness," she began, "do you suffer from irritating nose hairs?"  
  
"…Yes. Yes I do," was his reply. He backed away, doing his "fradey- cat" glare. "How is it you know?!"  
  
Ruby giggled, shrugged, and jumped onto Pippin's head. "Are you ready kids?" she shouted.  
  
A cricket chirped.  
  
"I can't hear you!"  
  
Merry caught on and yelled, "AYE AYE, CAPTAIN!"  
  
"Oh! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?"  
  
"SpongeBob SquarePants!"  
  
Everyone else's eyes started to twitch uncontrollably. They had no idea whom this "SpongeBob SquarePants" person was, but from that point on they just wanted him dead, for Ruby and Merry sang the song five times through before Ruby was bribed into getting the makeup off of Aragorn.  
  
When they were finally done singing, Sam glared at them, "What on Middle-earth is wrong with you?!" he growled.  
  
"Aww, somebody needs a hug!" Ruby jumped from Pippin's head and landed on Sam. Presently, she started to remove the makeup from Aragorn's face with a wash cloth.  
  
After all of them were packed up, and Sam had gotten some ice for his head, they proceeded down the stairs and out the front door. Harold charged them extra for all the commotion during the night and early morning when "normal people were trying to get some shut-eye," as well as the broken door.  
  
There had been much debate about the punishment for Ruby and Talis. One idea, courtesy of Pippin, was to make both of them drunk and, well… do the unthinkable with whomever volunteered. The vote for "no" was unanimous with the exceptions of Legolas and Frodo. Another idea was to burn them alive at the steak. Gimli's suggestion, no doubt. Boromir's opinion on the whole ordeal was that it was hilariously funny and that no one should be punished. Aragorn gave him a bloody nose for that.  
  
The final decision was that Talis would have to carry all of Aragorn's stuff and have cooking duty until the green streaks faded from his hair. The entire group agreed that Ruby would throw all items within Aragorn's pack at squirrels. And she couldn't cook worth shit.  
  
"All squirrels are servers of Sauron and must die!" she claimed. "Don't you see how they run around gathering nuts and looking cute, but really they plot to spoil our mission and eat our toenails?!" Frodo grabbed a pot from Sam's luggage and bashed her over the head. "That hurt, Fordo!" and due to the author's typo, she added, "I now dub your skinny ass Fordo."  
  
"Great. Now every remaining brain cell has died," sighed Boromir, applying another handkerchief to his copiously bleeding nose.  
  
Ruby cleared her throat and said, "If brains were gasoline, you wouldn't have enough to drive a motorcycle around a penny!"  
  
"What the hell are motorcycles and pennies?" everyone asked simultaneously.  
  
"Fancy words for horses and coins."  
  
"Oh," they said, utterly stupefied.  
  
  
  
Talis loaded her pack with Aragorn's (Legolas allowed her to secretly let him carry a few of her things) and put it on. It was so heavy she stumbled backward, tripped over Gimli, and toppled over onto Frodo, crushing the poor, unsuspecting hobbit.  
  
"Fordo is now pavement pizza," Ruby giggled. "And I think I'll give him dreadlocks!"  
  
Frodo managed to squirm out from under Talis, but she still was unable to get up. "What is in this thing?!"  
  
"A toaster, about twenty extra pairs of socks, the towels I stole from the last inn's bathroom, the sweater I'm crocheting, Arwen's bra"—he paused and cleared his throat, trying to look innocent—"my Betty Crocker cook book, a pair of moldy gym shorts, Chicken Soup for the Exiled King's Soul, a few random plumbing fixtures, a carton of eggs, and some leftover lasagna from our last meal in Rivendell." Everyone stared blankly, not quite sure what half of those items were. "Oh! And my portable CD player. And a couple dozen of bricks I found in Moria to keep as souvenirs."  
  
Ruby glared sharply at Aragorn and shouted. "You! OBEY THE FISH!"  
  
Talis whimpered. She would not last very long carrying a pack this heavy. Legolas helped her up and whispered to her, "I will carry a few of items for you."  
  
She shook her head and whispered back, "No. If he were to look for something and not find it in its proper place, he would get suspicious."  
  
"You're talking about me behind my back, aren't you?! Telling secrets about me, huh?! Well, go shave a weasel!" cried Ruby as she stomped away from Legolas and Talis.  
  
Announcer guy: Will Talis break her back? Will Ruby ever shut up? Will Aragorn start liking the streaks in his hair? Will Pippin ever determine the color of the woman's panties who was in the room next to his? Will Gimli ever fathom the importance of cherry-flavored JELLO?! And will the author get off her lazy ass and answer these questions? Find out next time on..! Wait. Am I in the wrong studio, or what?  
  
The author and other unimportant people whom no one likes or appreciates and should find other day jobs: *nod*  
  
Announcer: Oh. My bad. I thought this was where they were having auditions for the next season of Gilligan's Island.  
  
Author: *blinks* You're an idiot.  
  
¹ arthion; Elvish for maiden. 


	4. A Note

Yay! Pointless chapter!  
  
All righty, I'm not sure if all of you heard of this, but the sequel to this very story is The Road to Rauros. So do a title search or whatever and find it. I'm too lazy to put the link here. Enjoy!  
  
~Talis a.k.a Cathryn~ 


End file.
